Tuesday, September 6, 2011

be·wil·dered: adjective completely puzzled or confused; perplexed.

No, I didn't feel strong.  I was bewildered. I didn't know who I could trust anymore.  Laying there on my friend's trundle bed, I found myself in a state of complete shock, and sleeplessness.  After only a few hours of restless sleep I awoke to a gnawing feeling in my stomach. It wasn't a dream, it was real. 

After breaking the heart-wrenching news to my mother-in-law, I headed to my husband's initial court appearance with my parents. I was greeted by my husband's accusers with emotional hugs, as they had been long-time family friends. They were full of sorrow, and there was a slight glimmer of hope that somehow, we would all make it through this together... in unity and forgiveness. After all, we went to the same church together.  Oh how wrong I was.

After some time passed, a line of men and women in stripes were ushered in to the room, led by officers. They were shackled, hands and feet. My husband was one of the last ones through the door, and we locked eyes. I could see the shame that he carried, but I also sensed his love for me. As I looked at him from the back of the room I saw that his hair was getting long,  "Oh, he never got his haircut. If only we had been able to get to the salon before all of this happened." This concerned me, and others like the fact that we never got out to the eye doctor to get him new glasses. The glasses he was wearing were between 7 to 10 years old. I was awakened from my thoughts when I heard my husband's name. His charges were read in front of that room full of people and my stomach turned inside out. 

That evening I started receiving text messages from someone involved. They wanted to meet me to talk about what had happened. They wanted me to "know the truth". I considered it, and debated what I should do. My mom seemed to think it could be helpful... but something in my heart made me feel uneasy. I talked to my friend, and her mom. "What would you do? Would you let someone else tell you the details of all that happened?"  Her mom replied "I would give my husband the opportunity to tell me himself." This confirmed what I was feeling. I picked up my phone I responded to them, saying that I was going to talk to my husband first. Their response "You don't know him." Those words were like a poison... fueling every fear that had lurked in my heart. The texts kept coming, and remained unread. I asked my friend's mother to let them know that I needed them to stop texting me. 

I knew my husband. I knew his heart... didn't I? It's true that lot of what happened took me by surprise.  Did this mean that throughout our relationship everything that I thought was good was a lie? Were only the bad things true? So many questions plagued my mind. The biggest one: "Can I trust him?" Should I have jumped at the opportunity to hear someone else's story about what happened? Will I never know the truth? 

 The next day I was at lunch with my brother-in-law's wife. She had taken me out to help distract me. While I was there, I received a phone call from a strange number. I walked outside to answer it. I heard his voice... was my husband. I can't remember what was said, I can only tell you that just those brief moments helped me to have more peace. It was the voice of the man I loved... He told me that he would be transported to the county jail. I could call to find out visitation information. As soon as we were done having lunch I went to my parent's house and I called the county jail.  They informed me that he was there, and he could be visited that night.   

1 comment:

  1. Geesh, another wonder post by such an amazingly strong woman. I can feel you in this post, the feeling of seeing your husband in stripes, the not knowing what to do or what to think! I really enjoyed this one, brought me back to my same day. I only hope there are more to come, more to share.

    Thank you for allowing us into your world.